I've been dealing with OCD most of my life, and it is so frustrating at times to know that I can be a slave to so many irrational thoughts and feelings.
OCD as you may or may not know is "obsessive compulsive disorder" Basically you get obsessed about something, you get a feeling that you have to do something about it so you're compelled to do something irrational because well... is a disorder! I've been reading that is quite common, I thought I was alone for a long time, and I only knew one other person that felt or did this obsessive compulsion as I did, we called them "Rituals"
For a long time my theory was that this thoughts were some how installed in me; ingrained in me by the Catholic Church, not that I attended every mass on Sunday as a kid but, my mother and gramma did and all though I didn't even take catechism I new about how they prayed the rosary and how people prayed and it usually involved repeating the same prayer over and over (as if God didn't hear the first time) or as if it was a requirement of Him for us to repeat things over and over, the reason I'm talking about this is that some of the compulsions could be repeating things; sometimes even stuck on a loop. That's just one of the many many forms of obsessive compulsions that one can develop. there are so many to list here, but they govern how you do things, how often you do them, it can affect behavior, I believe must of them stem from a fear or feeling that something bad is going to happen; but it won't as long as you do "X thing" whatever the compulsion asks for, so here is an irrational thought creating an irrational fear or vice versa, doing them can bring some relief for the most part just; as long as they are performed on the irrational order it calls for and, you may get stuck on a loop until the right order is achieved, I know!!! Crazy right! Well we are not crazy but it is a disorder.
When I was seventeen my best friend died in a freak accident the details are not important for this writing, the point is that I had a huge loss to deal with to many feelings to deal with, not to mention that those years are kinda hard, almost out of high school trying to figure out life and stuff so I also blamed the OCD on that. I figured I was afraid because he died, I was afraid that it would happen to someone else, that I would loose someone else dear to me so I did some OCD. Again an irrational fear feeding irrational thoughts , all though it kinda makes sense doesn't it? But to my surprise even though that is a horrible thing to happen to anyone, OCD is a "disorder" not a punishment or a way to save the world and people, it surely is a way to feel better about something irrational in an irrational way, only temporarily, cause the entirety comes back and the OCD the rituals return or you make new ones.
Later on I got sick and of course more fear grew the OCD got worse and it became part of my life it became part of my being part of who I am something irrational became comfortable, I got use to it and I figure great ways to hide it from other people for fear that they would think I was crazy. I carried it with me everyday of my life, it's a bother, it's an unwanted companion, it is time consuming or I should say it is a waste of time, it could even be a danger to my self or to others and after 35 years or more or coping with it I am tired. NO MORE!
Maybe by taking about it and sharing it, maybe possibly even helping someone I will be helped by realizations as I write the silliness that OCD can be. It is so silly but at the same time it can cost you relationships, jobs, maybe your health, a lot of frustration for you and for the ones around you.That is why I'm writing this blog. I've did some research and found a couple of books that talk about it, one is written by a therapist and the other by a therapist that actually suffered from OCD so I decided to help my self and just by doing the research and reading just a little bit of one book I started following and developing my own program of recovery. I'm grabbing the bull by the horns I no longer want to be a slave to irrational thoughts and irrational fears that lead to irrational actions! I wish to document my experiences as I progress each day or each week. I've never wrote on a blog before but since the small research and the things I've been doing (or rather not doing) to help my condition so far have been so liberating I want to share to the world this experience, I feel like there are so many units of life within me that are trapped and I released some of them, I'll treat this as a journal of sorts so that maybe someone can be helped or find that we are not alone, we don't need to hide or be embarrass. We are not crazy. OCD is a disorder and there is plenty of help out there, it CAN be defeated and we can be free again.
So there's no need to count things, repeat things, do things a certain way every time, stepping on crack or not stepping on cracks, entering or living a building a certain way, no need to be like Monk or have irrational thoughts or irrational fears it's time to regain our lives and we can start by recognizing and admitting that OCD is a condition, that we are not alone, or the only ones that have it. We can overcome it! We can defeat it and live normal lives! We can regain all those units of life that have been trapped in silliness, and we can help others and ourselves just by talking about it.
So far I've accepted that it wasn't the Catholic Church nor my friends death, It wasn't me being sick nor some weird trauma. OCD is a disorder that makes us think and act in irrational ways, the more I learn about it I will post it here along with my progress. Later maybe we can even share some of our silliest OCDs with each other for now I'll brake the routine and go to bed in a different way and not follow the same ritual I've followed for years haha here is to freedom! Good night.
Be well.
Eddie.
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